The Malevolent Wizard Of Oz!
by Thorned Rose
Summary: A freak accident involving hair and irritating shadows results in Heero being catapulted into an unknown land, and he must learn the way to get home whilst successfully fixing his horrifying 'problem' Who plays who in this? And are they all friends? R&R!
1. The Terrible Tornado

**                                                The (Malevolent) Wizard Of Oz**

      Once upon a time there lived a boy who went by the name of Heero Yuy, and in spite of him being in his mid-teens, he despised all other children and went around muttering incomprehensible sentences in the same monotonous voice all day. He was very fond of spandex shorts, and if anybody ever joked about them going out of fashion many decades beforehand, he shot them with a gun he produced out of the middle of nowhere, and if he really didn't like them, he laughed at the simplicity of their demise. Despite his wish for total solitude, a little bitch often followed him, not a dog, and he called the pathetic creature Relena. She changed her last name when it suited her, just to show she'd alter herself to please him. Whenever he went for a walk, he grimaced at the cries the little pest would make, and it was worse when he said her name to shut her up, for example:

      "HEEEEEEERO, where are you going to Heero? Why aren't you talking to me? Come back to me Heero. HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEROOOOOOOOOO!!!!!"

      "Relena" (he'd reply with a grunt.)

      "Heero? What is it Heero? Is something the matter Heero?"

      "Hn"

      "Heero, hmmmm" (she then shuts her eyes and touches her chest, and when she realises he's no longer in her vision when she opens them, she shouts 'I'M COMING FOR YOU HEERO' before returning to step one.)

      Today, we join our not-so-happy little boy walking through a field, looking for something to shoot with his well-concealed weapons, as his daily torture was worse than usual. Today, another pest had chosen to bother him, or more specifically Relena, and it was a girl who had been cursed at an early age. Her name was Dorothy Catalonia, and an evil sprite had placed a nasty hex on her at birth: each time she tried to pluck her eyebrows to look more attractive, they were destined to become drastically darker and resemble wishbones plus they weren't even properly attached to her skin. Her eyebrows took their dark colour by absorbing the black from her pupils, and to add insult to injury, her hair sporadically changed lengths at her whim. She only seemed capable of releasing something along the lines of 'But how wonderful you are, Miss Relena' amidst slurping sounds, and Heero now felt remorseful for all the people he'd shot in his life—he was obviously paying for his actions, and if he wasn't, then he wished he lived in a silent animé. Dorothy met her kindred spirit on their pointless journey after a while, and she rushed forward to greet the woman with strange eyes and even stranger hair—the one and only Sally Po.

      "Heero Yuy, what are you doing here?"

      "Trying to lose her, what else?" He replied in that steady drone, causing Sally to stifle a yawn as she found his voice abominably high on the sleep-inducing scale. Before she could engage in the lullaby-esque conversation any further, she felt Dorothy touching the bottom of her hair whilst continuing with her mollusc sounds.

      "WAIT, DON'T DO THAT…!"

      Dorothy realised her mistake too late; the elastic holding Sally's hair in place snapped with a twang, and the results of freedom being granted to any overly tense object is never good for those in its vicinity, this not being any exception to that general rule. Her hair unravelled at an alarming rate, and Dorothy was knocked backwards by the sheer force of the strands of hair hitting her face at full blast. The force of the hair spinning out of control causes the other side to receive liberation, and the power generated by this action causes a miniature tornado. Sally remained in its eye since she was the creator of the abnormal force of nature, but Heero and Relena weren't quite so fortunate; they were sucked into the powerful wind and rotated its epicentre repeatedly as they were raised higher and higher into the stratosphere. Dorothy was the only safe one, if you could say that, as she was just outside of the disastrous diameter, knocked unconscious from the blow to her temple. Unfortunately, Sally's coiffure had extracted a couple of hairs from the teenager's eyebrows in the violent act, and as a direct result the hex had been re-enacted once more. She would not be a happy camper when she woke up, neither would Heero when he landed out of the terrible cyclone; even over the next-to-deafening shrieks of wind, he was still able to hear the irritating cries of the pesky bitch, and it was times like this that he exasperatedly wanted to change his name, just to have her change the record.


	2. The Wicked Warlock Of The East

**                                                The (Malevolent) Wizard Of Oz**

      Heero and Relena finally performed a break-neck descent after what seemed like hours, or at least it did to the tired bishounen. Relena held onto her crush's arm as they hurtled towards the ground, scared that she was about to die, yet Heero had no worries with this: he'd died many times and been able to live through them, not to mention that landing on the ground from a high drop was almost one of his specialties. He closed his Prussian blue eyes and waited to embrace the gates of hell yet again, thinking that he should pay the doorman something instead of arriving there and returning to life a few minutes later. Heero landed on his neck and broke it instantly, as well as severing many parts of his spinal chord in the process, whereas Relena was granted a soft landing. He stood up without a scratch on him, naturally, and had begun to walk off in a random direction when he heard Relena stating the obvious.

      "Heero, I don't think we're in the colonies anymore"

      He replied with his signature 'Hn' and proceeded without any regard for her safety in this strange land they were deposited in. He clutched his derringer thoughtfully and wondered when he'd have the ample opportunity to kill the woman responsible for sending him here with _her_. His pace was interrupted by someone running ahead of him and shouted as a cue for a conversation to ensue between the two of them. A young boy with hair longer than his body stood before him with a stance worthy of the statue of liberty.

      "Hey you, are you just going to ignore me? Hello?"

      "Hn"

      "Well, I've never seen the ill-manners of anything quite like yours, care to explain why you left that lady over there?"

      "Hn"

      "Well excuse me for being a mere warlock, and I still have to pay you back for landing on me" Duo Maxwell said as he cracked his knuckles in preparation for punching the insolent youth.

      "Hn"

      "That's it, you're paying for that one mister. Since you're the bad guy here, I think I'll take my revenge for your palpable lack of respect"

      Instead of punching him as originally desired, Duo struck his fist outwards and sent a red orb of energy in Heero's direction. He felt like it was anti-climatic, as he felt no different when the ball connected with his torso. He closed his eyes as he changed direction and went to say 'Hn', but it came out as:

      "Hnello"

      He dropped to his knees in panic because he somehow knew he was unable to say 'Hn', and his eyes widened as he realised the terrible consequences this could beat on him—he may have to talk to people now. He looked at the grinning warlock and screamed out:

      "WHAT'S WRONG WITH MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE?"

      Duo performed his confident stance that involved his hand on his hip, eyes closed, his chest out and the other hand in a 'I'm a little teapot' mode as he explained he'd removed his ability to use the phrase 'Hn', and added to the spell was a mechanism that denied Heero the ability to speak in a boring documentary narrator's monotone. Heero snarled ineloquently and Duo moved his hand in the air until it was a wave paused in motion, and then the mischievous warlock headed towards the girl whimpering a strange word on the ground, evidently the boy's name.

      "Hey there good-lookin', can I help you?"

      "Heero"

      "Sorry?"

      "Heero, where is he? Do you know where he is?"

      "Oh, you mean mister anti-social who thinks he's Evil Knieval and hardly ever speaks? He's right over there"

      "HEERO?"

      "I don't know why I even bother, these foreigners are as weird as they come"

      "What kind of person are you anyway? What have you done to Heero?"

      "Given him the chance to act human for once, it's going to teach him that he wasn't put in our world to carry on as irrationally as he's probably intent on doing, It's okay lady, I didn't harm him"

      "You took away part of his personality, how can you not have harmed him. HEEEEEEROOO, destroy that man!"

      "H—no Relena, we shouldn't be fighting each other, it's not right"

      "What sort of miserable person are you anyway?"

      "Oh, please excuse my manners for not introducing myself as the one and only Warlock of the East--"

      "Duo Maxwell"

      "Well hello there Miss, I didn't see you there"

      "Apology accepted. It is with great honour that I welcome you both into this land, but may I ask how you came here?"

      "I'm sorry, I can't explain it. I want to go home, I need a window to stare aimlessly out of for a while"

      "What she means is who are you and what are you bothering us for? And how do we get out of this dump" said Heero, still miffed at his monotone and grunts being removed from his system.

      "Well Heero, with a manner like that neither of us will help you disappear, isn't that right witchy?"

      "That's not my name Duo, it's Lucrezia Noin, the good witch of the North, not witchy. I would like to thank you for setting me free from bondage with the warlock, he really is wicked"

      "WHAT???" Both Heero and Relena said at the same time, which was amazing as they usually only said their own names simultaneously.

      "Just doing my job. I can't reverse the magic since I don't know the power of the mage who applied it, and I'm not wasting my power for nothing. I can direct you towards the Wizard of Oz in the Sanc Kingdom if you like? I'd take you by my Deathscythe, but I left it somewhere and I can't remember where. It would be easy to find if it showed up on radar…"

      "How far is this Sanc Kingdom?"

      "It is quite some distance away, and many dangers lie in its route. The Wizard is a wonderful man though", replied Noin, closing her eyes and dreaming about Milliardo, or Zechs when he had a bad case of acne.

      "How do we get there? Assuming that as soon as we leave this place I can talk again, or rather, make inaudible grunts and the odd bout of maniacal laughter once I'm away from your magic, I want to leave this country as soon as possible"

      "You'd think that wouldn't you? My magic's more advanced than the witches in this land, so think before you insult, and above all, don't mess with the hair. I haven't combed it since I was eleven"

      "He's right, I don't know how he washes it and re-braids it without a comb to be honest. To get there you follow the Mobile Suit Road, it will lead you directly there, but there are people lurking in the machines who may not be overly friendly. Cases of wanderers being destroyed by a clawed man with odd spectacles have circulated, but of course there's no corpse so it's hard to tell if they're more than just rumours. The only way you'll be guaranteed safety is if you have a kiss of a good witch on your forehead. A kiss from a warlock is a curse, in all the senses"

      "Shuddup Loo Crate!"  
      "MAXWELL!"

      Heero extracted his derringer from the mystical place that only he knows, and he pointed it at Lucrezia's face as he gave out a warning in as best a monotone he could muster, but the end result sounded like his voice was breaking.

      "No-one kisses me, I'm the star of this bizarre story and it's my duty to lock away all emotions. I don't know why I said the only way to live a good life was to act on your emotions as I never show any, therefore my life must be a waste." Heero shot himself and died instantly, not bothering with his 'I will, I will, I will survive speech, having used it many times that month already. Relena screamed out his name and placed a part of her dress on the wound on his head. He returned to life a few seconds later and the material fell off his forehead, revealing immaculate skin and no trace of a bullet hole. Noin took a silver coin out of her pocket and gave it to him for his act. She decided to decline kissing him as he was invincible anyway, and she didn't fancy kissing Relena's. The only person she wanted to kiss was in a Kingdom far, far away, and she drifted off into another fantasy. She drew herself out of her hentai dreams when she realised the three were leaving for the Sanc Kingdom, and she suddenly thought of something: without Duo to place a spell on her for bondage, she could visit Milliardo. She waited until the others were completely out of range before taking a white Taurus suit out of the Mobile Suit Road and made it to her destination in five minutes.

      Heero groaned in as many tones as possible to sidestep the groaning ban, grinding his teeth as his patience diminished; Relena and Duo were taking turns in shouting his name every other second, and he knew as the surround-sound trouble persisted, this was going to be a **_LONG_** journey.


	3. Tricks, Threats And Sugarfree Candyfloss

**                                                The (Malevolent) Wizard Of Oz**

      Heero felt as amused as he felt like singing in a falsetto voice; Relena and Duo's endless chanting of his name made him realise that to be the hero of an animé he'd need a better name than one which stated the obvious. Every so often they would pass large fences trimmed with bunting flags that were completely obstructing the view into the fields behind them, and whenever they passed these, the annoying chant became slightly different.

      "Heero, can we go and see what's behind it Heero, Heero can we can we can we?"

      "Heero, can we throw you on top of those spikes at the top of the fence to see if you die again? If you stay completely dead this time, I'll remove the orb"

      Heero nearly considered Duo's offer, knowing that he wouldn't be alive to enjoy it (if Heero enjoyed anything out of life that is) but at least it would mean he'd finally be rid of Relena once and for all. Instead, he closed his eyes and continued walking forwards as he tried to forget Duo's repeated attempts at killing him by shooting him with phasers and other weapons laid around the Mobile Suit Road. He missed his footing since his eyes were still shut, and fell between three mobile dolls, thus destroying his moment of sheer coolness. They failed to activate and he resumed his original place without flaw in a gravity and life-defying leap vertically. His ears were greeted with a rendition of another incessant bout of 'can we can we can we can we can we can we can we?' and if he didn't live on animation cells he'd certainly require a trip to the dentist for all the times he had been grinding his teeth as of late. In spite of his best efforts to shut out his followers' conversation, he grunted tunefully in disgust as he heard them swapping tips on how to braid their hair.

      They continued down the road until it drew into the later stages of twilight, and in spite of Heero not wanting to stop walking until he got to the Sanc Kingdom, he knew Relena would only whimper at the mobile suits whose main cameras had now lit up and made flashing noises every so often. The last thing he needed was another twenty minutes of her saying 'Heero, I'm scared. Please Heero, don't walk away from me again, I need you.' In fairness to Duo, he'd given up on his annoying Heero game, and he seemed equally as bored of the whining girl as he was. He often thought about turning the phaser on himself but then he realised Noin would never fall victim to bondage again, and then she'd probably live out a fairytale life—no, he couldn't have that, it was simply too nice. They noticed the mobile suit on which they stood come to life and shot a hole in the nearby fence, as if to give them a hint to leave the road whilst they had the chance. Relena held onto Heero tightly as he walked forwards whilst Duo whistled a happy melody, but one thing was for certain, none of them were expecting to see what lay before their eyes.

      Inside the mammoth field was a gargantuan circus, and it seemed there was a show starting soon if the crowds were anything to go by. They walked through the lush sward until they reached the large Peacecraft, sorry, marquee, and then they saw a very strange sight indeed. A clown walked around with half a mask obstructing his face, and his hair was the oddest thing about him; it hung down over his forehead in a way that defied the laws of nature, and it seemed to swap sides of his head whenever he turned in different directions. They headed on towards the pergola and took some empty seats as it was a free circus in honour of Noin being freed from bondage and they were now able to pay her to appear in Playsuit for men once more. Relena twisted her arm around Heero's until she heard a snap and begged him to buy her some candyfloss before the show started. He stood up with his arm completely perfect and bore no markings of being broken at any time, never mind a few minutes beforehand. He bought two at the confectionary stand and ate one as he walked back. When he sat down, he handed the other one to Duo (an action that shocked Duo slightly more than pleased him) before handing the empty stick to Relena. She began to cry and she asked him 'But why, Heero?' to which he replied:

      "It's sugar free"

      He did his creepy laugh and settled comfortably to watch the show as Duo ate his guilt-free and Relena grinned in glee as she thought Heero had been looking out for her figure and wasn't as mean as he made out to be, in other words, she was delusional.

      The star attraction was a young knife-thrower and her assistant, the strange person they had seen outside. Her aim was incredulous, and even Heero looked interested as the girl threw the sharp implements of torture at the boy. He called out to the boy, who lost his concentration and looked in the direction of the caller, and there was a crowd-swept wince and hushed cry of pity as the girl missed her target. Or rather, didn't miss him. Again, Heero was the only exception here as he resumed his creepy laughter as Catherine tried to remove the dagger from the boy's forehead. The curtains fell into their positions whilst the ringmaster, explaining the show would resume in a few minutes, gave out an announcement. Heero laughed heartily until his bladder felt weak from the strange strain and the extremely tight spandex, so he stood up and located the men's lavatory, shooting anybody in the line in front of him. His laughter finally became human-esque and he wiped tears away from the corner of his eyes as he relieved himself, distracted only by Duo shouting at him:

      "What the hell are you doing? That guy could have been hurt"

      "Taking the piss" Heero began laughing at his own joke even though Duo didn't find the pun remotely as funny as he did. Once they left the stall, Duo growled out a threat with an orb of yellow energy in his right fist as they stepped over the corpses Heero had left:

      "Go find them and apologise to them unless you want to know what this will do, and for gods' sake zip up will you?"


	4. Daggerhead Joins The Search!

**                                                The (Malevolent) Wizard Of Oz**

      The next day, Heero, Duo and Toto, er, Relena, resumed their jolly march along the mobile suit road en route to the Sanc Kingdom. By jolly, it is evident to be taken as miserable, for Heero at least. Duo flicked active orbs at the invincible youth every other second as he was still annoyed at his comrade causing a grievous injury to an honest circus worker. Well, honest when you ignored the clown's many years' experience as a professional thief, and his tendencies to pickpocket during other performances. Of course, nobody could ever recognise him at a police line-up, as they wouldn't see him as the same person if his hair were on the other side of his face. Heero was burnt badly but he ignored it and each time he closed his eyes and reopened them, his body was back in prestige condition. Relena was in tears whenever she saw him hit with the glowing green globules, screaming out the bishounen's name and warning him, telling him to defeat that man periodically, and both of her male companions had successfully learnt to block out her annoying cries. This **was** the fifth hour of the game after all. Whenever there was a gap in their fighting, she praised her empty candyfloss stick, treating it as her god second only to Heero. Duo was fed up with the other boy dodging some of his orbs without any great effort, so he charged a blue sphere up at full power and threw it at Heero without any consideration for the consequences of his actions. Such as Heero swinging his fist around and sent it back in the braided-hair youth's direction. Duo ducked instantaneously and the ball sailed over his head, crackling as it combined with the static electricity in the air. Duo's hair went completely vertical as it passed, and neither of his companions bothered to tell him since they wanted something to make the dull trek less boring. There's only so often you can scream Heero's name, Relena told herself, but unfortunately that is my purpose in life so it's all I can do. Their journey did pick up interest some minutes later, and it was just as well Duo's hair was in its present condition.

      A clown went sailing through the air and snatched a hold onto the braid, as it was the ideal height to save him from continuing his journey through the skies. He stood atop the hair and walked down it like a tightrope with his hands in his jeans pockets, walking in his own time as if he did this every day. He did his standard flip through the air and landed in front of Duo, who first looked appalled at how his hair had been mistreated, and then he felt glad that it was the circus boy Heero had hurt, who still bore the throwing-dagger in his forehead.

      "Hey you, Heero's got something to say to you!"

      "No I haven't"

      "Heero, apologise for dashing his brains out, NOW"

      "No"

      "Sorry about this kid, what's your name anyway?"

      "I have no name, so if you must call me something call me No-Name"

      "That's a stupid name, how about Daggerhead?"  
      "Like that's any better, Heero"

      Heero took aim with his derringer at a scientist that appeared from behind a Leo suit, and shot him without asking any questions. He went over and carefully examined the identity card of the tall but irreversibly dead man, and read the name aloud.

      "Master O, member of the Barton Foundation. Hey kid, do you wanna be called O Barton?"

      "That's a bit plain Heero, would you rather be called something like Trowa? You can join us on the way to the Sanc Kingdom to see if the great wizard will give you brains"

      Everyone stopped and stared at Relena with open-mouths in shock—she'd said something nearly intelligent and had only mentioned Heero's name once in it, then she had even gone as far as to contradict her beloved. A bit of a breeze came from nowhere and Trowa, as Daggerhead was now known as, blew away a few feet since he was too spindly to hold his ground. Heero shocked everyone by helping the circus clown up again, but this was for more selfish reasons than anything else; he felt this quiet clown could act as a shield for some of the orbs and perhaps their silence would weld a friendship between them, which was unlikely as he was a selfish little boy. Heero only did it, as he would at least have one member of his fan club that wouldn't cry out his name every other second or take pot shots at him. He hoped.

*~*~*~AN~*~*~*

Thanks to Pilot-Duo and Blue-Pig for reviewing, your thoughts were very welcome! Are you still a tad confused P-D? I can send you a copy telling you who says what if you like. I know that chapter was short, but the chapters are going to get longer once the main characters are introduced. Please R+R!!!


	5. Voodoo Ribbons

**                                                The (Malevolent) Wizard Of Oz**

      Heero felt extremely pleased with his idea as the night sank slowly around the travellers; Trowa had proven himself to be quite a kindred spirit as neither spoke much. Duo's aim was dead accurate though, so he'd had to blink quite a few times to remove the lacerations the power orbs left on his body. But, although the annoying warlock had stripped his grunts and narrative monotone from him, his ability to recover from all mortal wounds was still readily available. If he wasn't so dull, perhaps he would have laughed in a manner different to his creepy victory laugh, but he was so his throat emitted no noise. Relena had gradually stopped screaming her voice hoarse with Heero's name, as she found Duo a rather amiable character, always willing to assist her with her hair problems, even though she objected greatly with his attempts to kill Heero. When they weren't in a heated discussion on how to make your hair look really smooth and shiny in your braid without damaging the strands with appliances and products, she privately engaged in conversation with her empty candyfloss stick, describing how she intended to get Heero to notice her without hurting herself in such a tone she was unheard by the others. This god of hers stored the knowledge away, preparing to avenge the hours of boredom from which it suffered by listening to her when they reached the Sanc Kingdom, and then she would fall victim to the almighty powers of the thin piece of wood. Oh yes, the wood thought, how she would pay…

      Relena's fear of the mobile suits snapping into life as nightfall arrived caused the weary travellers to look for somewhere suitable to sleep whilst they continued to wander. Trowa kept tripping up and falling into the gaping holes in the Mobile Suit Road, but this was not a problem as he was a trained trapeze artist after all. After around twenty minutes of Relena's endless shrieks and Trowa's screams as the floor fell from beneath his feet, Duo spotted a cottage in the distance with his keen warlock vision. There were no lights on, so it was miraculous he saw it at all, and in case there *was* someone living inside it, the brave braided warrior had a back up plan in the form of a cherry orb in his right fist. It was not required; the cottage was completely empty for the duration of the night.

      They all agreed that there must be a sort of schizophrenic psychopath residing in the hut, owing to the odd décor in the tiny place. One side of each room was filled with lovely items like roses in full bloom, the other containing chains, guns and any weapon that could cause general mayhem. The pleasant side tended to be a deep royal blue whereas the evil sections consisted of a burgundy red. Everything was bigger on the quieter side, as if the person required something to ease their eyesight. And for some reason, the pink ribbons were on the floor in the psychotic side, or folded neatly on the other side of the rooms. The whole matter was very strange indeed.

      They each had trouble sleeping that night; Heero lay awake wondering when he'd get his grunts and lack of tones back. He really was beginning to detest talking even more now that he didn't have them. He was nearly human, and the thought of it sent shivers all over his body, the same kind as when he thought about his shorts stopping cutting off circulation to his genitals and he might give into Relena's wishes. He shuddered again—that was simply too nasty. He deliberately stayed awake for another hour or two in case the thoughts invaded his dreams, as he never knew if Duo could control his subconscious thoughts. Trowa couldn't sleep because he had a knife sticking out of his forehead. He'd removed it a few times in the day to see if it had become infected, but whenever he asked someone other than Heero they were disgusted, and his self-esteem was as thick as his legs. Duo couldn't sleep as he was lying in the middle of the room, so the essence of both sweet and vicious bore into him, both infiltrating his thoughts with ideas of what he could do. Being told to give Heero his tone (distinctly singular) back and throwing an orb at him to make him friendly and talkative was easily confusing factors for the warlock. Relena was finding it difficult to sleep as she worried about some of the things only she could think about, like how she felt naked as she hadn't gawked out of a window shouting Heero's name in a couple of days. The urge caught her too hard and she left the cottage and peered in at him, shouting 'HEERO!' repeatedly until she felt her quota had been reached. She was unable to get back in as her candyfloss stick had locked her out via using itself as a pick. None of the males let her in.

      The next morning, they resumed their search for the Mobile Suit Road, and it was only after ten minutes they realised Trowa was leading them back the way they came. In his defence he whined out that he didn't have any brains, and when he pressed his hand around the hilt of the dagger, the complaints instantly ceased. Duo was acting strangely towards Heero for some reason, in a manner that did **not** involve him firing dangerous spheres of authoritative energy. This way was scarier. Somehow in his sleep, he'd tied his long braid up into a bun at the back of his head with a pink ribbon, but as there was only one he was only half-controlled by the evil source. He kept running over to Heero and hugging him, gushing out apologies, and then he'd slap the bishounen with more power than thought possible before kissing Heero on the lips in a form of an apology. Duo ran away from him and hid behind Relena to try and stop the magnetic force between them, feeling utterly disgusted at his actions. Heero held his hand over his mouth in shock, yet neither horror nor pleasure was evident on his face. Trowa seemed vaguely amused by the warlock's temporary split personalities, as well as being whole-heartedly grateful that he wasn't in either of the unfortunate humans' situation. Especially since he was contemplating tying a pink bow in the hair in front of his eyes for some peculiar reason that morning. He'd instead settled for a bow on his wrist under his sleeve that thankfully nobody else had noticed.

      Later that afternoon, the bickering was becoming more and more intense as Duo began using his powers to hold Heero in place for an efficient apology as well as for hurting him all the better as he hurtled orbs. Relena found the whole situation both distressing and passionate; there was nothing _quite_ like two young males working up a sweat to turn on a girl that wore terrible clothes. It was either her overactive hormones or hallucinations making her imagine them rolling in the mud wearing nasty outfits like hers, and this made her break out in a typically adolescent sweat as she dwelt on her erotic fantasies. They somehow made it a bit further down the road after a hearty day of arguing, but the fight was interrupted by an odd sound coming from a denser section of the surrounding forest. They decided to investigate as the two fighters were seemingly following them regardless of whatever path they walked in. Nothing could prepare them for what they saw. Nothing.

      Trapped in a pose depicting one running at top speed, a young woman faced them, making strange sounds every so often as the corners of her mouth twitched. She wore a burgundy militaristic outfit with her long brown hair cascading over her shoulders (she was in the running pose, her hair was not). She wore rounded glasses that seemed to gleam in a strip of light every time they looked at her in spite of the fact she was in constant shadow, but they were halfway down her nose, making her loving eyes look less beautiful as they were slightly obstructed. Trowa pushed them up the bridge of her nose until they were in the proper position, and it was then the transformation occurred.

      The loving, almost hash induced expression her hazel eyes showed instantly became harsh and unforgiving. She snatched the boy's wrist as he pulled his hand away from her face, shouting out an order for him to explain his actions, and in his terror, his spindly arm trembled so much the bow became undone and slipped out of his sleeve. The others instantly fell about laughing in spite of the tense situation, and the clown's face turned a brilliant shade of fuchsia. Not out of embarrassment, however, it was due to the face-numbing slap the woman had delivered.

      "How DARE you steal from an important official like myself impertinent youth?"

      "S-steal?"  
      "That is mine, is it not?"  
      "I don't know ma'am…I'm sorry to have caused you so much…"  
      "SILENCE!"

      Duo suddenly felt the pleasant side of his split personalities dying rapidly, and so he decided a foul ploy would be the best to remove him from such a sticky situation. He inconspicuously released the bow from his hair and dropped it at Heero's ankles whilst the attention was on Daggerhead.

      "Look! Heero's been at it too! Thieving from a defenceless lady!"

      "Maxwell?"  
      "None other, Miss Une! How's His Excellency?"

      "Away at a Romefeller Foundation meeting, or at least he was two years ago; I was running after him because he forgot to take his tweezers to make a nice split in each of his eyebrows when I tripped on a root and it dislodged my glasses. I was unable to move and within minutes nasty mice had stolen my hair ribbons, making me defenceless. But why are you here, of all useless leaders?"

      "We're on the way to the Sanc Kingdom to see the great wizard, as two of my companions are not of this world and quite simply I want them gone. The other is looking for brains as his were destroyed by this alien"  
      "I'm not an alien"

      "Do** not** act so impolitely to your superiors you good for nothing subordinate" "You and what army's going to stop me, eh? Who do you think you are?"  
      "You can call me Lady Une. Follow my orders and MOVE OUT NOW"

      Duo and Lady engaged in conversation as they discussed various matters regarding the state of their world and how His Excellency had been missing in action for a few months. Lady looked distraught but Duo did not pass any comment on this, as he was too afraid to if not for any other reason. She never disclosed the reason why she followed them; the day he'd left, His Excellency had asked her to lose some of the military formalities, so she was really looking for a heart to help her understand him and his ideals a bit better. The warlock was increasingly glad that his split personality syndrome had been eradicated by the removal of the ribbon, yet he was annoyed Heero hadn't been attacked for 'stealing' it in the first place. She'd given her excuse as something along the lines of him being good looking so there were a chance the readers would sympathise with him. He felt a little down at hearing this, even though it was a joke for her standards, it hurt to hear the stranger being good looking whereas nobody ever complimented him. He was the only one that called her 'Tetsuko' which was Japanese for formidable steel lady, derived from her harsh attitude to life. They covered the ground lost through the schizophrenic fighting and twice as far owing to Lady Une's strict orders, and Trowa was already thinking brains weren't worthwhile if he were to be slapped and ordered about to obtain them. Relena whimpered constantly as she'd been struck for her child-like tendencies. The candyfloss stick just wished someone would set fire to it.

                                                                      *~*~*~*~*AN*~*~*~*~*

Thank you to my reviewers for their opinions for their thoughts on the previous chapters in this, and if you, the reader, are generous enough, you'll leave me a review for me to give acclaim for in the next chapter! *Puppy eyes* Please?

_Stormy-days_:  I'm crazy? Thank you for the compliment, it seems my parents got something right, as a shortening of my name is Mad! Glad you enjoy this, hope you liked this chapter! The hair thing is so laughable when you count how often it happens in the series, though I have yet to determine what that number is!

_Lily_: Thank you for the cookies, the bribe allowed me to continue writing this lol! Hope you liked this chapter!

       That's all for now, please review if you like or email if you hate!


	6. The Coward Is Unwittingly An Evil Ally!

**                                                The (Malevolent) Wizard Of Oz**

      All this time the group had carried on in the brisk pace Lady Une had set for them, silence being interrupted by the synchronised steps they each took, as well as Relena's occasional snivelling to her candy floss stick about how she wished it were just her, Heero and Duo (his hair advice was wonderful). The Mobile Suit Road was almost immaculate in that area, but most of it was obstructed by dead leaves (with the occasional corpse of a mercenary) and empty buster rifles. Relena whimpered, feeling this area must be riddled with the terrifying Gundam Scientists. Oh well, when in doubt simply scream out:

      "HEERO!!!!"

      "What is it? Are you hurt?"

      "Are we there yet, Heero?"

      "How am I supposed to know? I've never been there before and above all, anything I _do_ know that you don't is always going to remain that way. What's my real name?"

      "But why, Heero? Don't you love me?"

      Heero replied to this with a distinct clenching of his teeth since any other form of response would be almost emotional, and he was trying to rebel against the spell. What happened next was almost too quick for them to respond correctly, so only a couple of them were aware of what was going on around them.

       Lady Une became momentarily immobile when her glasses were caught head on with the sharp glare of a bright white cloth ahead of her, even though there was little natural light around them. As everyone's attention turned to the startled general, nobody saw the white light striking Trowa backwards; he was so spindly-legged that he had no chance and flew back a few feet until a Taurus suit broke his temporary aviation.

       In the same instant, the strange power slowed down as it struck Lady Une; she did not fall over or cry in pain, but the momentum caused her to take a step backwards and this motion made her glasses slide halfway down her nose. She was caught between nice and nasty modes; therefore she was just as helpless and unable to move as when they'd found her in the forest. Duo saw the creature had slowed down a little and whipped his hair around quickly, aiming at the intruder's head, but his opponent anticipated his move. He found himself victim of whiplash—and hairlash too for that matter, as the braid swung around and hit him full force on his eyes, blinding him for a few moments. The white light selected his next victim and headed straight for the remaining male, but not all went as planned.

      Relena barred its path with her arms spanned out, and it is only now it realised a wooden shaft protruded from its chest. She screamed that it could do what it liked to her as long as he left her friend alone; Heero shut his eyes as he looked down, touched his chest and said 'Relena, hmmm' before realising he was turning into her and ran around screaming. He eventually collided with the white object, with a splinter of the candyfloss stick projecting itself into the mysterious stranger. The white object was easier to look at now there was muck covering its immaculate coat, and it introduced itself as it stood up, pushing Heero away from him and taking the stick out of his chest, the splinter still embedded and unnoticed.

      "My name is Chang Wufei, and it is my duty to ward off travellers that traverse this path. I do not fight bleeding hearts or women, which is why I did not injure this young girl or Maxwell, who's as girly as they come"

      "Wuffy, I should have known! I banished you from my lands for being such a conceited troublemaker, and this is how you found a life for yourself? Fighting travellers who come to these parts once or twice a DECADE? Who's the girly one now, wanna make something of it?"

      "You banished me because I was stronger than you and you sulked about it!"

      "I did not, you'd better start behaving yourself, or…"

      "Or what?"

      Duo sent a jet orb in his direction, but with his eye problem and a quick movement by Wufei, the cloth became unbearably white again and returned it at twice its initial strength. It had no visible affect on the warlock, since the spell involved could only affect those banished from a territory. What they weren't aware of, however, was that he'd just inadvertently banished himself from his own country.

      Heero snapped out of his screaming fit and fixed Lady Une's glasses, who rewarded him with a sharp smack for not having done it sooner. Duo laughed heartily as it removed the concentration away from him and he saw the ungrateful boy getting what he deserved for his insolence. It took them fifteen minute's searching to locate Trowa, who'd flown so far back from the attack that he'd created a hole in the Taurus suit he'd struck and was unable to get out of his own accords. Relena put her hands on her hips and shouted at Wufei that he was nothing more than a coward, to which he agreed.

      "I used to have the most powerful mobile suit, Nataku, as a friend, but one day he realised how cowardly I am. I need to do something before I end up as much of a weakling as the rest of humanity. He left to work with some company called Toonami and declared he'd return the day I learnt some courage, providing he didn't have a lunch appointment at the time. It is by fighting passers-by like you that I feel like I'm growing more courageous, but instead it's quite the opposite"

      "Why don't you join us to visit the great wizard? He could help you"

      "I work alone, this sense of integrity must be found by following that path alone. Besides, I don't want to work with someone as girly as Maxwell"

      "I am not girly! Besides, nothing would please me more than you not accompanying us, you cowardly woofer!"

      "Okay then, my decision is final, how long will it take for us to get there to see this wizard?"

      Duo gritted his teeth, smouldering with anger at the thought of Wufei joining them just to annoy him. He just hoped he didn't join up with Heero's 'team' in their group as it meant that he'd have Relena and Lady Une (a factor that made him look even girlier to Wufei) and it would mean that the size of their groups would be equal. Then again, did he really want him on his own 'team'? Maybe if both sides ignored him long enough he'd just disappear and they'd laugh at him, just like he'd be laughed at when he tried to return to his own country as his very magic would throw him out instantly and painfully. The candyfloss stick gathered its energy back together after the near-fatality it had suffered when stabbed into Wufei, but at least now its evil thoughts were beginning to take over the Chinese boy's. His sense of integrity would only be achieved with world domination, the newest traveller thought.


End file.
